Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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