she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
