shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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