I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
