You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
