i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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