The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
