I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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