i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
