nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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