one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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