one might say we're banned from that church
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
