he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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