last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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