Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
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I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
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