Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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