matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
