Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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