do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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