Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
