Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
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i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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