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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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