pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
