she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
