Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
