Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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