just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
