Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
