I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
ugly people sure do ruin things
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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