I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
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