A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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