remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
When are your genitals available?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
