glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
