a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
