We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
