I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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