I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
