Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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