i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
