there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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