I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
