That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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