the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
