Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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