gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
