Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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