I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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