And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
