So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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