I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
