your room smells of hookers.
And success
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
