I pooped in a mop bucket.
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.