First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face