Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
