That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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