I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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