If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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