goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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