i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
