There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
